How To Be A More Gentle Person
If there is a manual about how to be a gentle person you clearly need to visit Vietnam to understand it.
Being a more gentle person begins with me.
In Hanoi, they have no traffic laws whatsoever, and traffic lights are rare. There are a few more traffic lights in Saigon, as the natives still prefer to call it, but the energy is the same. On first impression, the streets are chaotic, with cars, motorbikes, two-wheeled bikes, rickshaws and tuc-tucs weaving in different directions, like threads of a complex tapestry. If you want to cross the road, you just step out and keep walking. Cars and the millions of motorcycles just weave around you.
I asked my guide about their accident rate, and he said there are none. Or at least, they’re rare.
The Vietnamese don’t need traffic laws. They drive slowly and mindfully, aware of everything around them. They patiently pause to let other vehicles merge into the flow, which is not difficult, since the speed in which they drive is between 20 and 45km. Yet, because you are continually moving, you get to your destination quickly and smoothly.
Being gentle doesn’t mean sacrificing yourself
If you step off the kerb to cross the road, they stop to let you pass, or they slowly weave around you. All you have to do is keep walking slowly and steadily, so that they can predict your movements.
One day, I saw a man lose his balance and fall of his motorbike, in the middle of a busy intersection. Everyone around him stopped. It was amazing—the whole intersection came to a complete standstill. He picked himself up, dusted himself off, hopped back on the bike, and everything began moving again.
Vietnamese drivers honk horns frequently, but it’s not the angry, squawking ‘get-out-of-my-way’ kind of honk that we hear so often here. It’s a light, gentle beep, just to remind passing vehicles that they are there, or that they’re about to cut across to go in a different direction.
The Vietnamese culture is very generous. They share everything with each other. If you give one person a tip, it will be shared with other members of the staff. They share food—a typical meal is a chatty event of a group squatting on kiddy-sized plastic stools gathered around a steaming vegetable soup set on a knee-high table. There is none of the seagull-type of behaviour we see in the west, with individuals lunging to get the best share and forgetting to pass things around.
They are friendly, smiling, and very, very respectful, of everyone. In describing the wars they have endured, they talk without resentment, only sadness. They speak of having to bribe corrupt officials to get things done with resigned amusement, rather than bitterness.
In the two weeks I was in Vietnam, I never once heard an angry word or a raised voice. They laugh a lot and seem able to communicate their needs without having to fight for their rights.
What does it look like to be a more gentle person?
Gentleness is born of an attitude of kindness, love, and caring. If you consciously look for ways of behaving that can benefit others, you will be a gentle person.
Becoming more gentle begins with awareness, of ourselves and how we come across. It means having an awareness of another’s needs, even before they have to ask.
Gentleness is not judgemental. Even if someone disappoints us, we can accept that they are only doing all they know how to do. A gentle person is very patient and tolerant.
Learning to be more gentle needs self-control, so that we can choose not to be harsh in our responses.
Gentleness is always polite and very respectful. Assertive but never aggressive.
Having gentleness lets other drivers cut in when they need to. There’s no irritated pushing and shoving.
Gentleness is always kind and thoughtful, especially with those more fragile than ourselves or dependent on us for their wellbeing—children or the elderly, animals or nature.
Gentleness passes dishes around to ensure everyone gets a fair share.
This is how I want to be. Behaviours we admire in other people can remind us to lift our game a bit. It’s catching. The behaviours we model, others will pick up.
These are some of the little things we can teach our children and ensure we model ourselves, to create a more gentle world.
What I’m working on to be more gentle:
I’m mindful that my voice sometimes sounds like a bark. I don’t like hearing myself snap sharply at someone, even when they drive me nuts. So I’m changing it. Is it simple? Nope. But I will change—one sentence at a time, one deep breath before I speak at a time. It takes consciously listening to myself to monitor how I sound. It’s up to me.
I hope something in this blog inspires you to reflect on a behaviour you could choose to model to be more gentle.
I’d be interested in your views. Please share your comments, questions or inspirations: contact me directly.
I’d love to know what you think of what I’ve said here. You can give me your feedback, ask a question by email or post a comment below.
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Soul Wise Ways
The Wise Way is a grounded framework to follow a path with heart, and to reconnect you with your sense of meaning, life purpose, and innate spiritual intelligence.
