Women's English and Men's English

English is not as straightforward as we’d like to think.

Found these comments in an old email I received a long time ago - Unfortunately, author is unknown but they are quite funny - not to be taken seriously!

Women’s English

Yes = No in English
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don’t want you to
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!

You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re going to hate


I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you’re dead]

Men’s English

I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I feel tired = I feel tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex
What’s wrong? = What stupid self-inflicted psychological trauma is it now? In English please.
What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let’s have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex?

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before but who cares, let’s have sex
Let’s talk = I’ll impress you by showing you I am deep then maybe sex?

If you’d like to learn how to communicate more effectively, contact me directly to arrange a convenient appointment time.


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