How to express how you both really feel in a relationship

The question of how to express yourself in a relationship is a tough one.

Question

My partner and I recently split up, because we both felt unfulfilled in our relationship. We’ve now decided to try again, because we’ve realised we only ever communicate on the surface of life. We never discuss emotions, or talk in depth. We never fight. We’ve both been afraid to tell each other if we’re angry or upset. We’ve never had an honest relationship. Now we want to do things differently. Where do we begin? How to express what we’ve never said before?

Answer

It’s so great to hear that you love each other enough to begin again. And you’re absolutely right. A deep relationship relies on trusting that it’s ok to tell each other anything and everything. Trusting that your partner will listen with an open heart, will try to understand, and will be prepared to talk about what’s important to both of you.

Sometimes our own experiences have taught us that it’s not safe to express emotion. Sometimes, it’s our family conditioning. You may have learnt to stifle your emotions, or learnt to express them in negative ways that create rifts rather than build bonds.

How do we learn how to express ourselves?

Whatever the reason, you have three choices when you want to learn to express yourself in more depth. This is something you both need to agree on together, so that you each understand what to expect from each other. Each one of you may have a different preference. Whatever works is good.

The first choice is to try talking, which is hard if you’re not used to it.

Secondly, you could prepare a script in your own time and read it to your partner when you feel ready.

Thirdly, you could write a letter to give it to your partner to read and then discuss. How to express best depends on personality.

Either way, choose one small topic at a time, don’t try to explain all your emotions at once.

With apologies to regular readers for repeating myself, you’ll find it a lot easier to identify your emotions, understand your reactions and express them clearly if you write your daily reactions in a journal.

The key to getting someone else to listen to you is to listen to yourself first. The key to explaining clearly how you feel is to rehearse it for yourself first.

The door to both your hearts has been closed for a long time. It’s time to open the door to each other, to make it easier for your partner to pass through.

How to express oneself is a big question.

Here are requests you can put to each other that will open those doors

1 ‘When I get choked up, I’ll let you know that this is what’s happening and that I can’t find the words now but I will talk later.’

2 ‘I need you to ask me why I sound strange, (angry or teary) to help me open up.’

This is the way you can encourage each other to share what’s going on at the time.

Make a little time each day, be it over dinner or over breakfast, to talk about what’s going on for you. Not just about the price of potatoes, but how you feel about something, (including each other) and about joint hopes and dreams.

Step by step, your relationship will become honest and heartfelt.

Do you need to connect with yourself or with your partner? If this blog sparks off other questions in your mind, or you’d like a private session, contact me directly to arrange a convenient appointment time.

I’d love to know what you think of what I’ve said here.

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If you or someone you know would like a personal consultation, please call +61 439 969 081.

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