Is the way you communicate confusing?
Is the way you communicate confusing? Prevent communication blockages in the first place and resolve miscommunications that have already happened.Here’s a useful way to unpack the different aspects of communication to ensure you’re not getting your wires crossed. These ideas will help prevent communication blockages in the first place, and help you resolve miscommunications that have already happened.
In any interaction between people is charged with differing, sometimes conflicting, perceptions, opinions and goodness knows what else. Add to that our emotional reactions and our preferred style to communicate, and other filters we put up, and it’s not surprising we end up with a frustratingly confusing mess and communication blocks leading to relationship problems.
Predominant communication style
You’ve probably experienced frustration when your style doesn’t match the other person.
For example, I know a corporate lawyer who is used to speaking in a very formal ‘courtroom’ style, which drives his family nuts. To them, he appears cold and distant.
He finds it difficult to switch from the style he needs at work to the style allowing him to communicate with his family.
They need to understand him, and he needs to be more aware of how he comes across, so that he can learn to soften his approach when he’s with them.
Conversely, your predominant style might be very creative. You may like to add detailed descriptions to your stories to make them more captivating.
Or maybe you’re a good lateral thinker, and make associations others just don’t see as relevant.
Someone of a different predominant style might be frustrated with what they consider to be ‘waffle’. They might find it too complicated to unravel your main point, and might even give up.
These confusing ways in which we communicate are very common.
These types of misunderstandings are very common.
How to Communicate your Feelings
There is rarely an interaction that doesn’t trigger an emotional response. We all have triggers and it can be all too easy for someone to inadvertently push our buttons. As the conversation progresses, one person might suddenly resent a comment; another might be shocked at what they interpret as your meaning; yet another might find you funny when you want to be taken seriously.
It takes a very aware person with acute self-knowledge to recognise their triggers and responses, understand what they remind us of, and set them aside for each interaction.
That’s one of the values of learning Mindfulness. It’s all about being aware of what’s going on in our minds and bodies so we can separate the tangled threads.
How can you prevent your reactions from having a negative impact on the conversation?
Explain and communicate: ‘When you say that, I feel … it reminds me of …’ ‘I’m thinking … because …’
(I’ve often spoken about the importance of the word ‘because.’)
Check you have interpreted their meaning correctly: ‘I just want to check, do you mean …?’ Or ‘What I’ve understood is … is that correct?’
How sad it is that we rarely bother to check, before we jump to conclusions.
Perception
There is a very well-known exercise to help people identify the difference between perception and fact and to identify if their way to communicate is confusing. You get people sitting opposite each other and then ask them to describe the room they’re in, without turning around. Obviously, the people facing one way will describe what they see, while the people facing the other way will describe something totally different. Is anyone wrong? No. It’s the same room. It’s just the way they’re looking at it.
Our perceptions are born of both our attitudes and our experiences. You know the glass half full or half empty thing—a negative perception of life could be a personality issue, or it could be because our experiences of life have made us anxious or cynical.
Our perceptions of situations are just that—perceptions. Are they fact? Maybe. But for heaven’s sake, check. Be aware that you may be assuming something.
Does it require us to be prepared to admit to ourselves that we might be wrong? (Shock, horror!)
How to Communicate your Opinions
Two problems arise if we mismanage our opinions. Firstly, if we are not assertive enough to state an opinion that contradicts someone else’s, we’ll stifle it and just agree for the sake of pleasing.
Temporary conflict averted, so we think. Wrong! That suppression will sit in your subconscious, to create something like a car-pile-up of other suppressed opinions or emotions that will create sometimes overwhelming resentment. That’s where automatic emotional responses influence an interaction.
Secondly, your opinions, professional or personal, may be based on broad experience and may be perfectly valid. But do other people see that? It’s best to clarify your stance by
a) clearly stating that you wish to communicate an opinion not a fact, or
b) saying something like: ‘In my experience …’ perhaps giving an example of what that experience is and why you’ve come to think this way. (There’s the ‘because’ element again.)
Saying things like this allows others to understand your perspective, and helps separate your opinions from fact. Of course, it’s equally important for you to double-check whether other people are expressing a fact, or only an opinion that falls short of certainty.
Opinions also reveal our values and priorities. In your opinion, one thing can be very important, whereas to someone else, the top priority is totally opposite. Explain why you are placing a high (or low) priority on something and remember to ASK the reason behind other people’s priorities. (Yet again—the ‘because’ element.)
Surprise!—you get to know each other better and it creates stronger connections and even bonds.
I need to keep this blog short, so we won’t even go into the added complications of body language, cultural differences, the words you choose … oh boy.
Could misunderstandings have been avoided, had some effort been made to unravel the crossed wires?
Consider, too, the way you normally express yourself. Could you separate the different elements more clearly and explain each one to others better?
Are you assuming your listeners can sort out facts from feelings and everything else, in the way you intend?
Are you jumping to conclusions without first checking the facts?
Communicating well can be like tiptoeing through a minefield. Yet we have choices.
If you’re arrogant and selfish, you can expect everyone else to follow your style. That’s one choice.
Another choice is the opposite: to give in for peace’s sake, (which means no-one ever gets any of the peace they crave.)
Another choice is to decide you just can’t be bothered to figure all this out and you’ll just muddle along, best you can.
And the last choice is to get to know and understand your internal processes through reflecting and journaling. And to know and understand others through taking a more curious and caring stance with them.
I’d love to hear your comments or questions. Please share your thoughts if you think your way to communicate is confusing by contacting me directly.
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