Connecting with teenagers and children when you are a working parent

There is no single solution that suits every family, but here are a few suggestions that might increase your options to create ‘connecting time’.

The trick is to look for little pockets of time rather than opportunities for long discussions. If someone is due for a birthday present or a new pair of shoes, go with them to buy it rather than just giving them the money.  Chats in the car or over a milk shake can be a valuable opportunity.  Prepare a couple of age-appropriate jokes; brush up on the latest computer game or pop star gossip—whatever it takes to keep the conversation from turning into an interrogation.

Catch moments of fun where you can.  Depending on the age of your kids, turn as much as possible into a game.  For instance, tidying up their room with them can turn into a game if you are singing to favourite songs—get to know the words.  They may think you’ve gone bats it it’s not your usual style but they’ll get used to it—it’s better than yelling.

Connecting with teenagers can seem hard.

If you’re trying to get closer to an adult, develop a new tradition of doing basic activities together, such as cooking one meal a week together.   It’s an opportunity to be creative and experiment with something very different.  Observe whether you dampen spirits by being too critical or too perfect yourself.  It’s all supposed to be fun—do you remember how to have fun yourself, if you have a demanding job?  Now there’s an interesting question!

Rather than having too many ‘deep and meaningfuls ’ turn discussions about drink, sex and drugs when you see things in the news, when the focus is on someone else rather than on them.  So if a teenager gets killed because he jumped off a train as a dare, ask them what they would do if friends were pressuring them.

Be aware of their homework assignments and see if you can help do a bit of research, or offer to test them.  Say ‘If you explain the theory out loud to me, it’ll help you remember it…’

Develop a questioning style that is more likely to get more meaningful information out of them.  If you say ‘How was your day?’ you’re likely to get an abrupt ‘Fine.’  If, on the other hand, you were to say something like ‘What was the best thing that happened today?’ you might get a little more from them.

Connecting with teenagers isn’t about drink & sex.

Talking about the highlights and lowlights of each day—the best and worst thing that happened—and, more importantly, how that made them feel, and what it was that triggered that feeling, is what will lead to a deeper connection, but before you get there, it might be necessary to build a bit more trust.

Of course, if this hasn’t been a family habit, it can be a challenge to introduce, if everyone’s used to being independent, closed; perhaps even secretive.

To get your kids (or another adult for that matter) to open up to you, you need to lead the way.  In short ‘sound-bites’, reveal a little bit about yourself.  Talk about the highlights and lowlights of your own day, and how you felt about them.  Express your own vulnerabilities to your kids, including your anxieties as a parent, and let them get to know you as a human being with fears and foibles; not only as the ‘provider and disciplinarian’ you say they see you as.

Subheading connecting with teenagers.

In revealing (however briefly) how you are handling your issues, you have the opportunity of being a terrific role model for them.